This one is for all the mums out there who feel stuck, lost and like they have lost their identity.

Whether you are a new mum or an old hand at herding cats/children then you’ll resonate with the idea that at some point in your life as a mother you may lose your identity.

That person you knew pre-children might just shrivel up and die, you will no longer be the person you knew, you might not even recognise yourself in the mirror. You won’t be the life of the party anymore, in fact, parties will feel like hard work for some 8 years (so be prepared).

You may have gained weight, dark circles under your eyes, a look of exhaustion but you will have gained a new love that penetrates your heart more than you’ve ever experienced – that’s what you need to hold onto.

We all have hard days when the kids are being total shitheads, they don’t listen to you (but listen to Dad perfectly well – how fucking annoying is that!) and they make you feel like you wish you’d never thought about procreating in the first place. We all have those days.

I remember a number of years ago now, being in the supermarket with two very annoying little humans who were throwing the worlds largest tantrum, so I joined in and lay on the floor screaming that I wanted stuff and that life wasn’t fair. They shut up and looked at me like I’d lost the plot, maybe I had! I did, however, get some kudos from some of the other parents in the supermarket that day. 

Its a fact – You are going to or do have those days when you feel like you are doing everything and your other half is doing less. You need to asses if that is actual fact, or if it is all in your head before you start building your massive wall of resentment hedges. You know it might not be true and your experience in the moment of feeling lost, alone and surrounded by small humans who won’t listen is just that (a moment that will pass).

Consider if your other half is helping in other ways before you lose your shit. He may not be vacuuming or doing the washing, but he may be earning the money and doing the shopping or cooking. Consider this before you fly off the handle at him.

You also need to consider if you let him in. Being a bloke in a new family scene can be hard, they simply don’t feel needed initially. Having a new baby is tricky, the bub needs mum because she is food. So the man feels outcast (to a point), its key not to let this last for the rest of your life together because kids grow up and leave, but your partner is, ideally there for the rest of your life.

I’ve been there, I’ve done the exhaustion, the feeling that I should just be able to cope with being a mum, run a business, be a wife, manage the house and all that shit. Its hard fucking work. It’s not easy and there is no manual that says “this is what you do in this circumstance”.

However I’ve spoken to enough mothers to understand that I’m not alone, I’m not the only one who has been through this. I came out marginally scathed (mostly because I internalise everything and didn’t tell anyone anything – until now), but you don’t need to. Learn from my mistakes.

Knowing how to avoid the downward spiral of “I’m fine and I’m coping” when you are not is crucial to your happiness. If you cannot do something and adding that task that someone is asking you to do to your day is going to make you stress out – then say no. If you cannot make an engagement that you said you’d attend but are making yourself go, but would rather just not – then say no. If your other half has asked if he can go out to do XYZ and you know you are tired/struggling and really just want him to stay home, then say so.

I went through years of saying yes to fucking everything and being everything to everyone – until I burnt out. It’s not good, it’s not healthy and it nearly crushed me. Don’t do it. Communicate.

You need to claw back your identity, so do some of the things you like to do. Don’t get consumed by being “just mummy”. Be you, and be Mummy and be whatever you need to be, but make sure you BE YOU first. If you don’t you will turn into a shadow of your former self and hate everything.

Fact you should consider: You know its more than likely that your other half is more than happy to feel wanted and needed, rather than pushed out the door to whatever it is he wants to do, men need to feel wanted and loved and us women, well we are so fucking independent that it’s damaging. Think about it before you just cart him off out the door. He wants you to need him, so tell him you need him. It’ll make a world of difference.

In saying that there are some men out there who are lazy fuckers and just want to do whatever they want without having to be responsible. If you have one of those – good luck.