Burying your feelings is remarkably easy. There are a number of ways you can do this.
Perhaps you literally convince yourself with your own internal dialogue that what you have done, said, or feel is different to what you know you truly believe so much that you start to believe it yourself.
Some of us use alcohol or prescription drugs (or both) to numb the feelings we have. Some of us take it to the next level and use other forms of drugs that really should just have been left alone in the first place. Now personally I’ve not gone to level 3, but I did spend some time blotting out my feelings by drinking more than I actually should have and throwing in a few leading brand painkillers to avoid the feeling of falling down the spiral even further.
Alcohol has been part of my story for all of my adult life (and slightly before too), it’s been both a friend and a foe to me. When I needed to feel more confident a beer or two would give me the dutch courage to join in, be a little brighter, bubblier and able to step outside of my own shell. But it also meant that I probably did things that I wouldn’t have without the intoxicating factor.
When the shit hit the fan for me a few years ago my depression swooped me up and the way I dealt (or didn’t deal with it) was to drink. I wouldn’t say I reached alcoholic staus, but I would say that I liked the buzz it gave me and allowed the reigns of terror I was creating myself to lessen for a little while. The problem was I felt and looked like shit. My skin was sallow and spotty, my gut was bloated and – well, just fat. I couldn’t be arsed to do anything for myself, so I just went through the motions of the daily grind. I not sure anyone ever really noticed, but that’s what I did, it was a mistake. I’ve made huge steps to not repeat that behaviour in the past few years.
It makes me think though – It’s funny how so many of us end up having a social drink and then not be able to see our friends socially without having a drink. Then we talk about catching up, never just to catch up – but to have a drink. I still do it. I’m the master of saying to my friend’s let’s catch up for a few beers. So my drinking habit has turned into my social crutch and I let it.
The morning after when I wake, I feel a little less spritely and sometimes say (mostly to myself), oh I’m not drinking anymore, but always go back to it.
Lately, I’ve stopped drinking in the week, mostly because I now train more than a normal human might and its really hard to lift weights, swim, ride or run with a frontal lobe ache. I enjoy a few drinks, but I need to know when to stop. We all do.
Take stock of what you are drinking and why. Is it to get you outside of yourself, to make you more confident? Is it to hide your feelings of utter guilt, shame and hate you have for yourself? Is it to feel like you fit in? Is it to just feel numb? Or is it because you actually like it and have a reason to celebrate? Know why and control it, do not let it control you.
I’ve stopped my drink and painkiller combos, it was killing me. I needed to stop this self-abusive behaviour. Nothing is that bad. Everything is manageable, its all about how you respond to yourself and the environment you are in.
Be social, be happy, but don’t be a drunk, slurring fool that feels and looks awful, it’s just not worth it and you are better than that.
